The Ballad of Sad Wingmen
by siqwithaQ
Summary: Nico is a normal college student who lives a normal college life. He terrorizes his frat brothers, practices recreational satanism, and has a crush on the cute boy from his sister's ghost hunting club. Those are all normal college things, right? (In which an entire frat house bands together to get Nico a date with Leo Valdez.)
A/N: Here's dedicated to the mod of the nicoshitposting tumblr who seeded the idea of this in my mind. Hope you enjoy!

.

If you asked Nico di Angelo, notorious social recluse and misanthrope, why he co-founded a fraternity in college, his answer would be simple: peer pressure.

Ever since Jason and Nico's older sisters formed a sorority, Percy and Jason have had the idea in their heads that it's a solid, reasonable idea to follow in their footsteps and start their own frat. Nico does not exactly agree. As far as Nico is concerned, fraternities are the scourge of college campuses; the breeding grounds of bullies, bad decisions, and, well, breeding.

When his two oldest friends propose the idea to him, his response is a spoken rendition of _Fuck This Shit I'm Out_ , accurate to the word. It's Hazel, whom he'd thought was out on a date at the time, who stops him from actually fucking this shit and getting out.

"I think it'd be good for you, Nico!" she says, popping up from the doorway and blocking his escape route. "You need to get out more, and make more friends. Plus you'd always have Jason and Percy close by to keep an eye on you!"

Nico thinks if she hadn't earned her Eavesdropping and Meddling badge from the Little Sisters' Guild by then, that would have done it. She follows it up by going for her Puppy Dog Eyes badge, too.

Percy and Jason add in their own helpfully. Between Hazel, the little sister Nico is too fond of for his own good, Jason, the best friend who's never done anything but help and support him, and Percy, the guy he maybe-kinda used to and maybe-kinda still has a crush on, Nico is doomed. There is no saying no this time.

"No," Nico says of course, anyway. He's stubborn like that. If they think they can make him become part of a _frat house_ , of all things, they have another thing coming.

.

So, they make him become part of a frat house. How they manage it is a mystery (okay, they bribe him with rare Mythomagic cards that Hazel has been hoarding for just such an opportunity) but it comes with the provision that Nico cannot be expected to put the slightest amount of effort in.

Which means Percy and Jason are stuck with the paperwork or the pulling of strings or literally whatever it is you have to do to start a fraternity. Nico thinks the fact that he still doesn't know what that entails, despite his two best friends constantly working on it, is a good sign.

Jason is either filling out a form or just scribbling down his ideas when he says, "We need some Greek letters for the name. Three, four at most—"

"Delta Epsilon Alpha Theta," Nico answers instantly.

"Sure," Jason agrees, writing it down. He's probably too pleased that the younger boy is actually contributing to really think about it. Percy doesn't even look up from Mario Kart, so Nico's pretty sure he's won this round. Not that Percy and Jason know there are rounds to be won, which just makes it that much easier for Nico.

They may have forced him into a frat, but gods be damned if Nico lets it be just any old frat. Percy and Jason and the college at large have no idea what they're in for.

.

His tampering is finally noticed by Frank, Hazel's boyfriend. It comes long after it's been made official, too late to change, when the four of them are staring up at the house they're about to move into. ΔΕΑΘ is emblazoned above the door.

"So, guys," starts Frank, who had similarly been coerced to join the frat by Hazel, "is there a reason our fraternity's name is 'death' spelled out in Greek?"

He looks to Percy for answers, and Percy looks at Jason, who looks at Nico. Nico ignores the question completely and walks up to what he has already started to call the Doors of Death in his head, hiding a smirk.

Jason gets the picture and sighs loudly. Percy takes the sigh as an answer and passes it on to Frank by shrugging. Frank's expression is pinched as the three of them watch Nico unlock the door and swing it open for the first time, a foreboding chill seeping out of the house.

"Welcome," Nico says, a rare, self-satisfied smile on his face, "to Death."

.

Recruiting frat boys is surprisingly hard for a frat named Death. Or, perhaps unsurprisingly, at least for Nico. He might have anticipated this, maybe even planned for it.

Sure, there are a few pledges he doesn't manage to intimidate away — Grover Underwood, who joined up out of sheer loyalty to Percy Jackson; Travis and Connor Stoll, a pair of brothers who are here specifically because they think the name choice is _hilarious_ ; and this one guy named Clovis, who sleeps like the dead, anyway, and doesn't seem to have even noticed that he joined a frat. He probably did it sleepwalking. Nico wonders if the boy has a family out there somewhere, looking for him.

That brings their numbers up to eight guys, half of whom are introverts (or, in Clovis' case, just sleep too much to have any sort of social life). Nico thinks it's a good deal. The frat house is fairly quiet — for a frat house — mainly because the others are hesitant to throw a party after the first one, when Nico stabbed that guy with a mechanical pencil.

In Nico's defense, Octavian had it coming, and it was only his ankle, so. Walk it off, as his father would say.

"You can't just go around stabbing people who accidentally sit on you," Grover tells him after the party guests head home. He and Frank have taken the initiative to clean up, as Jason, the only other responsible one, is thoroughly exhausted from keeping a friend of his called Leo from setting things on fire all night.

(Nico didn't get the full context behind that, so he wonders whether Leo is a pyro or if the guy just has really, really bad luck.)

Grover is currently mopping up the puddle of blood from said stabbing, while Nico lounges on the couch and watches. Frank had asked if he wanted to help, but Nico's 'don't expect me to get off my ass' clause extends to such matters so he claims immunity.

"He should have looked before he parked his pasty ass," Nico shoots back.

Frank snorts from the kitchen, where he's sweeping up glass shards from a broken cup. "Like you're one to talk about pasty..."

Nico gives him one of his trademark Scarebear Stares and the older boy shuts right up.

"Really, Nico, you're gonna get us in trouble with the Dean," says Grover.

Now it's Nico's turn to snort. "Mr. D? He couldn't give less of a fuck what we do. He thinks my name is Nibbler. Does that sound like someone who cares to you?"

They can faintly hear Frank's helpless laughter in the kitchen. "N- _Nibbler_?"

"Besides," Nico continues, ignoring him, "Jason's dad totally has him in his pocket. We can get away with a lot in this school."

"Like _stabbing people_?"

"What can I say? The American education system is fucked up."

"Days like these I wish I stayed in Canada," mourns Frank. "At least there, people had a reason to have pasty butts."

"My ass is _not_ pasty," Nico says, although honestly, he hasn't exactly seen his own ass. It's kind of difficult to do, if you haven't noticed.

Frank mutters something like, "Yeah, Leo sure didn't seem to think so," which makes Nico choke on his own spit.

"What? Who?" he asks, but Frank has moved on to the next room already.

"He's talking about Jason's friend," Grover supplies. "The one who was running around and almost starting fires everywhere? Yeah, I think _everybody_ noticed him checking you out all night. Up until you _stabbed a guy_ , I mean."

"Me. Checking _me_ out."

Grover shrugs. "I guess you're his type."

"Is he _your_ type?" Frank asks, returning with a trash bag brimming with broken glass and empty beer cans.

"What are you implying?" Nico demands.

"You know. Guys. Do you like guys?"

"No!" It's obviously a lie. Grover may accept it, but Frank quirks an eyebrow at him. Nico scowls and avoids his eyes, but that turns out no better, as his gaze lands on a couple of sand dollars Percy has left on the windowsill — so now he's thinking about Percy, which probably means he's blushing. "He is _not_ my type."

"Okay," Frank agrees, but he clearly doesn't. Thankfully, he doesn't say another word about it for the rest of the night.

.

Everyone adds their own touch to the decor, which basically means the house is a frankenstein of different tastes. Jason and Frank favour spartan aesthetics, so they add a lot of simple Ikea furniture and roman-inspired artwork. Travis and Connor, on the other hand, are hoarders, filling the house with trinkets and litter and the weirdest stuff they can find. Grover puts tiny cactuses everywhere ( _everywhere_ ; Nico accidentally grabbed one while reaching for his toothbrush, once) while Percy paints the walls blue and decorates every surface with shells, sea glass, and other things he picks up at the beach. Clovis buys too many pillows and leaves them all over the place.

And Nico is a little shit, so he draws pentagrams on things. Anything that gets too close to his space gets pentagram'd. Ikea table in the living room? Pentagram'd. Hidden part of the wall behind the TV? Pentagram'd. That cactus that was in his toothbrush's spot? Pentagram'd. Seashells in his underwear drawer? Okay, not pentagram'd, mostly because Nico got distracted by the thought of Percy going into his underwear drawer. Besides, the shells are practically presents from his first crush; he can't deface them. He spent the rest of the day blushing around the older boy after he found those.

Frank, damn him, must have picked up on it, and also must have been spending too much time with the Stolls, because just two days later he gives Nico a poster of the Village People. Nico gets back at him by stealing his cell and changing his ringtone to 'Sex Over the Phone.' He hopes he doesn't notice until it goes off somewhere public.

This is right around the time that Percy decides they need matching t-shirts. Travis and Connor know a guy who knows a guy, so they volunteer to design the shirts and get them printed.

Nico is so glad the group let them, because when they come back with the shirts he can't stop laughing. The others, conversely, stare in vaguely shocked horror.

The shirts are a bright purple-and-orange tie dye, with _Death!_ written on the chests in bubbly comic sans. Under that is an exact copy of one of Nico's pentagrams. There's even a black and white version of the shirt in Nico's size, which is actually kind of a sweet gesture.

"What's with the pentagram?" Percy asks, as opposed to, well, any other part of the shirt he could ask about. Not that the pentagram isn't a valid concern, but really, comic sans? Nico would have gone with a nice 1785 GLC Baskerville...

"Have you really not noticed all the pentagrams around the house?" Jason answers. "Even Clovis knows about them. Right, Clovis?"

Clovis is asleep on the counter, but he snores at the appropriate cue, so everyone takes it as him saying yes, yes he does.

Percy still seems befuddled. "Really? Where did they come from?"

The other six share a glance, coming to a silent agreement.

"We have no idea, man," says Travis.

"It's kinda creepy," Grover says truthfully.

"It adds ambiance," argues Nico.

"I think it must have been a ghost," says Frank.

"Yeah, we're almost definitely haunted," Jason agrees.

"We live in a house named Death, what do you expect?" finishes Connor.

Percy stares at them all with an expression as if he's not sure whether he should take them seriously. He shouldn't, but Percy's greatest flaw is probably that he puts way too much trust in his friends, so he does anyway. "Okay. Um. Should we call... I don't know, an exterminator?"

"An exorcist," Nico corrects him.

Percy nods. "Yeah, that."

"But who are we gonna call?" Grover asks innocently.

There's a pause as everyone waits for somebody else to take the joke. Travis and Connor would be the usual suspects, but they're not going for it this time — maybe because they enjoy watching the others squirm, waiting for the ball to drop.

Finally, Clovis mutters "Ghostbusters," in his sleep, and the group breathes a collective sigh of relief.

Jason shakes his head. "No, that's unnecessary. I'm sure we don't need an exorcist. There's got to be some parts of the house safe from the 'pentagram curse' — _right_ , Nico?" he adds pointedly. Okay, so Jason might have been a little pissed at him about the time the Ikea chair in his room got pentagram'd. But seriously, who cares that much about an Ikea chair? You'd think Diocletian himself had sat in it.

"Yeah, sure," Nico agrees with a shrug. "My underwear drawer is pentagram-free. So don't worry, Perce, your shells are safe."

"...You have my shells in your underwear drawer?"

Nico blinks at him. "You mean you didn't put them there?"

Percy blinks right back. "Why would I put my shells in your underwear drawer?"

"So how did they get there then?!"

Frank coughs into his fist. "Must've been the ghost."

Nico is going to make sure Frank has his phone volume all the way up when he calls him in the middle of his next class. See just how much he likes his new ringtone.

"Whatever," Nico says, glaring at Frank out of the corner of his eye. "We're still not calling an exorcist."

.

They call an exorcist. The exorcist is Hazel and co, which makes Nico wonder when his little sister got into the ghost hunting business. He's pretty sure the Little Sisters' Guild doesn't give out any badges for Dispatching the Undead. But hey, he gets a family discount, so he can't complain.

She brings a small retinue of fellow ghost hunters with her: Piper, who's there in case they need to talk down a ghost; Clarisse, who's there in case they need to punch a ghost; and Annabeth, who doesn't believe in ghosts and was probably dragged into this the same way Nico was dragged into a frat. They're followed in by a scrawny boy with curly hair, carrying duffel bags of what might be ghost hunting equipment and what might just be snacks.

"I'm Chris Hemsworth," the boy introduces himself to Nico. Nico stares at him blankly. "Y'know, like, the Ghostbuster's secretary in the new— y'know what, never mind. Can't explain the joke, that ruins it."

Budget Hemsworth is there because, according to Hazel, a large number of ghost sightings turn out to be due to faulty pipes or creaky door hinges. Budget Hemsworth is, like, a plumber, or something.

So, Jason and Grover are trying to explain to Hazel's group that no, actually, they are haunted by nothing but Nico's satanic tendencies, while Nico himself takes the time to size up Budget Hemsworth the Plumber.

He's got red suspenders — really? — and an elfish sort of face with a grin that reminds him of Travis and Connor when they have something up their sleeves. There's a light in his eyes that could be called a twinkle or a fire, and he's wearing a dusty white v-neck and skinny jeans that accentuate his legs in a way that, okay, Nico is a little jealous of. All Nico's skinny jeans seem to do is show off how underweight he is.

"Nice shirt," Budget Hemsworth tells him. Nico doesn't know what he means; he's wearing his black and white _Death!_ frat shirt, and it's not really a nice shirt. It doesn't even fit right. Nico certainly can't look as good in it as Plumber Boy looks in his skinny jeans and suspenders get-up.

"Th-thanks," Nico responds, and then immediately thinks, _Wait, why the hell did I stutter?_ and distracts himself by tuning back into Jason's conversation.

"No ghost, _really_?" Annabeth is saying. "What a shocker."

"Don't tell Percy," Grover says. The ghost hunters give him an odd look, but hey. Percy thinking they have an actual Frat Ghost is hilarious, and the longer they can keep it up the better.

Percy is currently out with Travis and Connor. The brothers pulled him out of the house earlier, knowing that the others would have to explain to the exorcists that their ghost is a sham. The rest of the frat is conglomerated in the living room, along with the ghost hunters.

Frank, for some reason, had strategically positioned himself between Hazel and Budget Hemsworth at the first opportunity. He started out tense, but he's been loosening up as he watches Nico and the scrawny plumber together. Nico wonders at the implications of that and why they grate on him.

Hazel gives them a sufficiently occult looking trinket to give to Percy, saying to tell him it repels ghosts from a room. They agree, figuring it'd be the perfect thing to both keep the joke going and give Percy a little peace of mind.

Then the ghost hunters leave, Clarisse complaining all the while about not getting to punch a ghost. If Nico's eyes stray down to Budget Hemsworth's butt, it's only because he's looking for a brand logo on the other's skinny jeans. He wants to get a pair, after all.

Frank gives him a look. Nico scowls in response, but overexposure has dulled its potency on the other boy.

"Don't say a word," Nico hisses.

Frank doesn't say a word, but the next day, when Nico finds a Freddy Mercury biography in his room, he knows exactly who to blame.

.

When he next runs into Budget Hemsworth, he — well, he very literally runs into him.

It's something out of a cheesy 90's rom-com, with the sun just setting and a cute little café in the background when Nico rushes by. He's distracted, fiddling with his phone — Frank's new ringtone finally went off the day before, and apparently the man had gotten the idea to return the favour; Nico's phone is currently set to some song called 'Gay Thoughts,' which, a little on the nose there, Zhang.

And so it is that he doesn't see the figure piled high with books until he's on the ground, blinking up at the awning of the café. His phone has skittered away somewhere and one of the stranger's books is resting on his chest. He picks it up and reads the title: _Hydroquantum Engineering and You._ Who—?

"Hot Goth?" the stranger yelps, cutting off his train of thought. "Oh man, I— I'm sorry, I wasn't looking where I was..."

Nico takes a second to process what just happened. And another to process what Budget Hemsworth just said. Then, "What did you call me?"

Budget Hemsworth backtracks, visibly thinking over what he said before his face flushes. "I, uh. Nothing?"

"No, you definitely called me—"

The latino makes a swipe for the book, but Nico moves it out of reach just in time.

"Can I have that back?" Budget Hemsworth asks in a strangled voice. "I'd like to flee, please."

"Tell me what you called me, and you can have your book back."

At first Budget Hemsworth gets even redder, but his demeanor changes to teasing as he crosses his arms and puts on a playful grin. "This, from the guy who was _clearly_ checking out my ass—"

"I was looking at your— at your _pants_!" Nico sputters.

"You sure were."

"I was, _Evans_."

The other pauses. "Evans?"

"Sorry, did I get it wrong? Was it Pine? No, don't tell me." Nico lets a mean smirk slide over his face. " _Pratt_."

Budget Hemsworth gapes at him for a second, but then, to Nico's surprise, he leans back and howls in laughter. Nico catches himself thinking the boy has a cute laugh, but— No. He does not. His laughter is loud, and sharp, and a little bit wheezy, and...

...And goddamn it, it's a cute laugh.

"Valdez," the boy says when he calms down. "Leo Valdez."

Nico takes the hand he's offered, expecting to shake it, but then Leo is pulling him to his feet instead. It's only when he's standing on his own power that the grip Leo has on his hand turns into a handshake.

"...And you are?" Leo prompts, when Nico says nothing.

"That's a good question," Nico responds. "What was it you called me earlier?"

"I don't suppose you're gonna let me pretend that never happened, are you?" Leo groans when Nico shakes his head. "Right. Well. I sort of called you— Hot Goth?"

"Hot Goth," Nico repeats, smug.

"Hot Goth," Leo confirms miserably.

"Well then, here's your book," Nico says, handing it back to the other boy. "Now if you'll excuse me, I dropped my phone and I need to find it."

Leo stares at his Hydroquantum Engineering manual and back at Nico, who's crouching down again to check under the café's outdoor tables. "You're not going to..."

"Nope," Nico says, moving on to the next table. He frowns. It can't be that far away; cellphones are not exactly renowned for their track skills.

And Leo, for all that he'd wanted to flee earlier, is now just standing there, watching him search. Nico tries to ignore him as he sets his books down on a table and approaches.

"Could you maybe give me your number?" Leo blurts out.

Nico stops. "W-what?"

"To call you!" Leo explains, although, in Nico's eyes, it doesn't really explain much. "I mean— I could call your phone, and you could follow the ringing and find it. That's what I mean." Leo pulls out his own cellphone and wiggles it in demonstration.

"That's not necessary," Nico says immediately — he still hasn't managed to change his ringtone back from 'Gay Thoughts,' and he definitely doesn't need that to go off right about now.

"Come on, I'm just trying to help."

"You're just trying to get my number."

"Maybe," Leo admits. "But I'm doing it in a helpful manner, if that... helps."

Nico has to turn away to hide a blush. Not because he thinks Leo's cute or anything, he just — he isn't used to actual guys actually flirting with him. Sickly pale, malnourished, bags-under-the-eyes Nico with the black clothes and the uncombed hair? He's never exactly been _attractive_ by any stretch of the word. Not to mention the lack of other gay guys in his neighbourhood, but that's incidental.

"Six nine six," Nico mutters, watching Leo scramble to enter it into his phone from the corner of his eye. "Ninety-four, two zero."

Leo takes a second to look at the numbers 69 69 420 glaring up at him from the phone screen. "That's not really your number, is it?"

"Just as much as your name is Chris Hemsworth." And that's the moment Nico lays eyes on his saving grace: his cellphone, wedged between a potted plant and a wall. He snatches it, showing it triumphantly to Leo — who looks weirdly disappointed by the sight of it.

"Oh," Leo says. "I guess you're going then."

Nico nods. Leo looks down, and briefly, Nico considers giving him his actual number. But that would involve scrambling for a pen ( _never mind the one in his pocket it does not exist shut up_ ) and paper ( _it doesn't matter how many books Leo's carrying, he shouldn't write in them, they're probably from the library, probably_ ), not to mention the very idea of Nico di Angelo making a move on a guy is just. Impossible. Does not compute. Error. Not gonna happen.

Instead he does something a lot more typical of himself: he runs away like the chickenshit he is.

.

Nico is later recounting this story to Clovis, since, out of everyone, Clovis is the best listener. He never interrupts you, never judges you, and above all, never, ever tells your secret. And that may be because he's asleep when you tell him, but okay, that still counts. It's called _catharsis_ , thank you.

So Nico is sort-of-not-really pacing the living room while Clovis snores into a pillow that has a pentagram embroidered on it. That one hadn't actually been Nico's handiwork; ever since they brought home the _Death!_ shirts, Travis and Connor have really been getting in on the pentagram business. Nico has to approve, because by now he can't really object to more pentagrams. That would just be hypocritical.

"And it's like — okay, so I probably definitely ruined my chances because, he can't call me and it's not like I can call him," Nico rants to his sleeping frat brother. "Do I even want him to call me? No one's ever flirted with me before. Is this how I'm supposed to feel? How am I supposed to feel, Clovis?!"

Clovis snores. Nico takes a deep breath and carries on.

"I'll probably never see him again anyway so it's not like it matters. Do I _want_ to see him again? _Should_ I want to see him again?" Nico stops in his tracks. "Oh, man, he's friends with Hazel. I'm probably gonna _have_ to see him again. Is that good or bad?"

"Who?" asks Grover, making Nico wheel around to see him entering from the kitchen, chowing down on a waffle cone. There isn't even ice cream in it. Grover's just eating a goddamned waffle cone. He does things like that.

Well, of course. The whole 'Clovis doesn't tell your secrets because he doesn't hear them' thing doesn't work when someone _else_ overhears you talking to him. Nico probably should have thought it through before dishing the dirt in the middle of a building that has eight guys living in it, but.

"Leo Valdez," Clovis sleep-informs Grover. Nico shoots his prone form a betrayed look.

"The guy from your sister's ghost-hunting club?" Grover says, pensively chewing the waffle cone. "You guys have a... a thing?"

"We do _not_ have a thing," Nico spits. "There is no thing!"

He doesn't know why he denies it, when Grover's just heard him carrying on about it. Maybe because there are only three people in this house who know he's gay — Jason, who'd accidentally found out about his crush on Percy in high school, Frank, who's obviously figured it out on his own at this point, and Clovis, whom he only tells this stuff to because he doesn't even _hear_ it.

Although he's rethinking that assumption, at this point.

"Okay," Grover agrees, holding up his hands as Nico glares at him. "No thing. Got it. But you want to, like... get in touch with him?" he says carefully.

"Maybe," Nico concedes. "I don't know..."

"Well," Grover says, "You could drum up another ghost scare, I guess." By now he's finished his waffle cone, and has moved on to chewing the end of a pencil he picked up. "I don't like freaking Percy out too much, but it'd give you an excuse to call your sister back here with her ghost hunters."

Nico stares, open mouthed. So maybe it's unfair on Grover, but Nico hadn't thought the other boy could be so... cunning. "That... That's a good idea, Grover. But I'll need a little help."

"Count me out," says Grover. "Coming up with the idea is the extent of my villainy, thank you."

"Sure, sure." Nico already has his phone out, shooting a text to the perfect partners in crime. "I think I've got it covered."

.

Travis and Connor are the men for the job because they don't need an explanation. Really. They love stirring up trouble, and it doesn't matter to them why.

So when Nico texts them out of the blue to say "let's summon a demon in Percy's bedroom," they're immediately on board.

All they have is red chalk and birthday candles, plus a couple weird looking rocks, but it's all for show so that's really all they need. They draw a large pentagram on the floor, put some candles around it, and place the rocks strategically to make it look like they're supposed to be there. Then, for the hell of it, they grab Clovis and lay him down in the middle.

"Is he coming?" Travis whispers.

Connor puts his ear against the door, listening carefully. After a minute, he gives the affirmative signal. "Quick, Nico, start chanting!"

Nico curses as Connor and Travis join hands between the three of them, forming a circle. Fumbling for any latin words he can think of, he says, "Latinus... Graecus... Uh, killus ghostus, spiritus ghostus demonus? Praetor centurion lemures. Carpe diem, hauntus please-us..."

Then Percy walks in. His expression morphs into bewilderment quickly when he sees what's happening, and he stares between them, Clovis, and the pentagram before uttering a quiet, "What the fuck?"

"Percy Jackson," Connor rasps in a voice that sounds remarkably unlike his own. He should become a voice actor, really. "We have taken over your friends' bodies. Soon, we will be all powerful in this plane of existence; we have already begun to summon our Master." Here he indicates Clovis. "You cannot stop us. Not on your own."

"What the _fuck_ ," Percy mumbles again. "Is this for real?"

"Disbelieve us if you so choose, Percy Jackson," Travis says in a hiss. "It will only make it that much easier for us to achieve world domination."

Then, in unison, the three of them raise their hands to the ceiling and let loose a long, crescendoing scream.

Percy fucking runs.

.

"You have got to be kidding me," Annabeth says.

The entire frat is assembled in the kitchen. Nico, the Stolls, and Clovis have been sectioned off from the others with a circle of table salt ("Dude, we have to _pay_ for that stuff," Frank said when Percy insisted on it, but they all let him anyway). Jason is rubbing his temples, Grover is avoiding eye contact, and Frank keeps looking at Nico like he's torn between wanting to ask and not wanting to know. Meanwhile, Percy Jackson is trying to convince Annabeth Chase that his belief that his frat mates are possessed by evil entities from another dimension is completely justified.

But the worst part is, Leo isn't even there. Nico put this whole sham together and Leo didn't even come. In fact, the only one who showed up at all is Annabeth — and after their first little 'haunting' incident, Nico sincerely doubts it's just because the others are busy.

...Not that it matters. Nico doesn't really care. It's not like he did it _for_ Leo, he just... wants to feel appreciated for the work he put in. That's all.

"I'm not kidding!" says Percy. "They were trying to summon their Master in my bedroom!"

Annabeth's face twists awkwardly. "Uh huh..."

"You don't believe me," Percy states.

"No, not really," Annabeth agrees.

Percy frowns at the magnetic whiteboard on the fridge — which, surprise surprise, has a pentagram drawn on it — before he seems to make up his mind. Leaning forward, he grabs Annabeth by the wrist, and says, "I'll prove it to you. Their ritual stuff is still up in my room."

"What? Wait a minute—"

"Percy, don't—" But Percy has already pulled the girl away before Jason can finish his sentence. The blond sighs. "And, there he goes, dragging a girl to the bedroom. How gentlemanly." After he says it, he shoots a brief apologetic glance at Nico.

Nico doesn't quite feel the same sting of jealousy that he would have a year ago, but he can't say he's totally unaffected, either. Still, it's easily forgotten when Frank finally gives in and asks, "So... What the heck, guys?"

"I think, in this case, it would be appropriate to say 'hell,'" Travis suggests.

Frank gives him an odd look, but says, "Okay, so... What the hell, guys?"

"We were summoning a demon," answers Connor. "Clovis was our virgin sacrifice."

"I need some fresh air," Jason mutters into his hands. He turns and reaches towards the window over the sink, but he jerks his hand back when his fingers come away with a white dust over them. "Is the window covered in salt?"

"Percy watches too much Supernatural," is the only answer he's given.

Jason makes a strangled sound in the back of his throat. "I think we need to lay down some ground rules," he says, turning back to look Nico dead in the eyes. "Like, how about _no summoning demons in the frat house_. Okay?"

"Not okay," Nico answers instantly. "What if we _need_ a demon?"

"Why would we need a demon?!"

Here Grover shifts, glancing at Nico. "Um, maybe you should lay off him, Jason. It wasn't that bad, was it? I didn't think— I m-mean _he_ didn't— I mean they—"

Frank stares. "Were you in on this?"

"No! Yes. Maybe," Grover answers. "It might've been my idea."

"Why?!"

"I was just trying to help Nico!"

" _How_?!"

Frank, though, seems to get it. He raises an eyebrow at Nico, who scowls back. It's barely as effective on the other man as it used to be.

Jason has given up on getting an answer out of Grover, who's keeping his mouth shut by occupying it with the candy necklace he's wearing, and instead he goes to the fridge whiteboard to erase the pentagram on it. He grabs the marker and writes, in large, stern handwriting:

 _Rule #1_

 _Do not summon demons in the frat house_

He underlines it twice. Then, after a second of thought, he adds _Nico_ underneath in smaller letters.

"Does that mean the rest of us—"

"No," Jason interrupts Travis before he can get the sentence out. "It does not mean the rest of you are allowed to summon demons in the frat house. If you really want to summon demons, I don't care, just do it outside!"

Of course, Percy and Annabeth return at the precise moment to hear him say so. Annabeth stares, but Jason has given up on giving a shit at this point and just stares back with no attempt to defend his advocacy for the outdoor invoking of evil spirits.

"You people are a _cult_ ," the girl says. Then she flees without another word.

Percy doesn't even seem to have heard Jason. He's watching Annabeth go with a faint blush on his cheeks.

"Uh, what exactly happened upstairs?" asks Grover.

Percy shakes his head. "Honestly, man, I don't know. I don't even know." Then he sees the four boys who are still standing in the middle of a salt circle, and remembers what's happening. "Oh, man, she didn't even exorcise you guys! We've gotta call her back—"

"No need," Frank says quickly. "We uh, we called Hazel. She exorcised them over the phone."

"Really?"

"Yeah. They can step over the salt now." Jason emphasizes his comment by reaching over and pushing Connor out of the circle. The other boy stumbles, but is otherwise unaffected by the salt on the floor. "See? Perfectly human. Right, guys?"

Nico and the Stolls reluctantly grumble an agreement while Clovis snores.

Percy accepts this with clear relief in his eyes, before he grabs a rag from by the sink and wets it. He turns and heads back in the direction of his room, presumably to clean the chalk pentagram off his floor.

The rest of the frat takes this as a cue to clear out, too — Nico is just on the cusp of escaping when Jason catches his arm and pulls him back.

"Explain," Jason demands in front of their small audience of Frank and Grover, who've stuck around while the others left. Grover is still chewing anxiously on his candy necklace, while Frank looks as if he already knows exactly what to expect out of this confrontation.

"I told you, we were summoning a demon," Nico answers stubbornly.

"But why?"

Nico shrugs. "We're satanists."

"You're pagan, Nico," says Jason. "You don't believe in Satan."

"Maybe I changed my mind, you don't know—"

"Nico," the blond interrupts, sounding exhausted, "please. Please just be honest with me."

Nico winces and looks down. He knows he can trust Jason, it's just, "it's... kind of embarrassing."

"Nico, whatever it is, you know I wouldn't judge you," Jason says patiently.

"It's guy problems," Nico mutters.

Jason stares. "Okay, I know I _just_ said I wouldn't judge, but... You tried to summon a demon because of _guy problems_?"

"Well of course it sounds ridiculous when you put it that way," Nico says, shrinking into his shoulders a little. "Grover made it sound a lot smarter."

"Grover?"

Said boy freezes at the mention of his name. When Jason turns an accusing look at him, he says, "Um, I have to, go. Yeah." Then he hides under the table.

"Grover."

"Grover's not here," Grover calls.

"Is this about Leo?" Frank asks.

"Leo?" repeats Jason, turning questioning eyes on Nico. "My friend, Leo? Or is there another Leo?"

"Wait a—"

"Yeah, your Leo," Frank confirms. "Valdez, right?"

"...He's the same Leo from the party?" asks Nico, because he hadn't yet connected Budget Hemsworth the Plumber with Jason's pyromaniac friend from that night ages ago. Jason's friend who thought Nico had a nice butt. That friend.

The others don't answer. Jason has turned thoughtful. "Nico and Leo..."

"Don't you dare," Nico says immediately. He recognizes the look on his friend's face from an unfortunate incident when they were teenagers; it means Jason is thinking about playing matchmaker. "You remember what happened with Percy."

"That was in my youth—"

"Two years ago."

"Wait, what happened with Percy?" Grover asks, his voice rising from under the table.

"We can't hear you, Grover, you're not here," says Nico. "Unless you've returned to explain how this whole thing was completely, one hundred percent, totally your idea..."

"Grover said nothing," says Grover. It's followed by the shuffling sound of movement. "You can't see it, because I'm not here, but that was me, making the lip-zipping motion. My lips are zipped. Sealed. Shut. Closed—"

"Yes, we get it, thanks," Jason interrupts. "Anyway, about Leo."

Nico shakes his head, already standing up from the table. "We are not talking about Leo."

"Why not?"

"We just aren't!" Nico gives him his harshest glare. It's the kind of glare that makes people who don't know him as well flinch, but Jason just rolls his eyes and holds up his hands placatingly.

Frank, meanwhile, is staring at him with an expression that's sort of disbelieving, sort of amused, and really, really exasperated. When he meets eyes with Nico, he gets a similar sort of look to Jason's _'I'm going to make Percy gay for you'_ face.

Nico really does not want to know what Frank Zhang is planning. But he has a feeling that he's going to find out.

.

"I was lured here under false pretenses," Nico says when he sees the bar.

Frank just shrugs, unrepentant. "In my defense, we really are meeting Hazel here."

"Hazel. At a bar. Really?"

He can't imagine his sweet little sister getting anywhere near alcohol while she's still underage, but he follows Frank inside anyway. Maybe he trusts the other man more than he should. Of course, it turns out to be a stupid idea. A "Jason engineering to set up Nico and Percy as lab partners on dissection day" level of a stupid idea. As soon as he sees Hazel, Nico has to take a look around for escapee frogs, because Leo Valdez is sitting right next to her.

"You _ass_ ," Nico mutters, staring at the back of Leo's head. Frank elbows him, and that's the moment that Leo turns around.

He's got that ridiculous, not-cute-at-all, mischievous grin on his face. "What's that about my ass?"

"Have fun," says Frank, pushing Nico forward. Then he absconds with Nico's sister, leaving him alone with Leo.

"So," Nico starts.

"So," repeats Leo, still grinning. "I don't think we've been properly introduced. You are?"

"I thought we'd been over this. I'm Hot Goth."

Leo's grin falls from his face as he gives Nico an exaggerated pout. "Oh, come on! You can't seriously—"

"Nico," he says, quieter than before, but loud enough to make Leo stop. "Nico di Angelo."

It's at that moment that they hear a voice crooning, _it's a beautiful thinnnng when boy meets boy_...

For a terrible moment Nico thinks Frank had managed to change his ringtone _again_ , but then Leo's face turns red and he pulls his own phone out of his pocket.

"I didn't set that," the boy insists, and Nico believes him. He can see his sister and her boyfriend from across the bar, watching the two of them and laughing. "It's Hazel. Why is she calling me?!"

"They're in league," Nico says, pointing to the couple.

"In league to _what_ , humiliate me?!"

"To humiliate both of us." Nico glares at Hazel, who only giggles as Leo hangs up on her. "...And I think they're trying to get us together."

"Together?" Leo asks, leaning in.

"Together," Nico confirms, leaning back.

"So... Does that mean you—"

"It means nothing." It comes out perhaps harsher than he means it to, as Leo shrinks back like he's been scolded. Nico isn't going to correct himself, though. Being mean and standoffish suits his image. "I came here to hang out with my sister and my friend. Not you."

Leo withdraws further, not meeting Nico's eyes. He looks miserable, like he's beating himself up for even attempting to reach out to someone when he _knows_ he's just going to get rebuffed _again_. It's an expression that Nico absolutely does _not_ recognise from seeing in mirrors throughout high school, not at all—

"But," Nico chokes out, "maybe... _we_ can be friends."

Leo blinks, perking up. "Really?"

"Well. You're friends with Hazel, and Jason, so. Maybe we can get along," Nico suggests. Then he pauses, memory catching up to him, and smirks. "Speaking of..."

"Huh?"

"You didn't tell me you were the same Leo from the party earlier this year," says Nico.

Leo snorts. "Which one?"

"The one at the Death House." Jason would usually respond to that with _Do you really have to call it that?_ (to which Nico always says _yes, yes I do_ ) but Leo just smiles wider. He clearly understands how much of a genius Nico truly is. That's one point for him.

"Oh, the one with the stabbing! That was awesome, dude." Two points for him.

"You mean the one where you were, according to Frank, checking me out all night."

Leo's mouth falls open. He whips around and shoots a glare at Frank before turning back. "Um, that was just. Sorry?"

"Sorry for what?" Nico asks, smirking.

"...Making you uncomfortable?" Leo tries. "I, uh, you didn't respond well to the whole flirting thing, so. Sorry."

"Oh, it's alright," Nico says, leaning against the bar. "We're _friends_ now, aren't we?"

Leo nods rapidly. "Yes! So... If we're friends... Does that mean I can get your number? In a no homo way!" he adds, when Nico raises an eyebrow.

"Sure," Nico says slowly. Leo offers his phone for him to enter his number, and he does so. With only a little deliberation he enters himself into Leo's contacts as Hot Goth before handing it back.

Leo snorts when he sees it. "Nice." Then he's tapping something out on his keyboard at a mile a minute. Nico can't help noticing how fast his fingers move. The boy's got to be making a lot of typos — or else he's just _really_ precise with his hands.

Nico's phone vibrates in his pocket. He takes it out to find a text that reads, _i hppe this is ur rael number this tiem_

"Wow," Nico can't help but say. "You are really bad at texting."

"I'm dyslexic," Leo says with a shrug. It sounds like something he has to tell people a lot. "I'm a lot better with, like, morse code and stuff."

"You know morse code?"

"Yeah." Leo taps a series of dots and dashes onto the bar counter in rapid succession. Nico watches his hand moving, one ear cocked to hear the code above the din of the other patrons.

"That's cool," he says. "What does it mean?"

Leo freezes, face flushing, as if it hadn't occurred to him that Nico would ask. "It means, uh, it means 'I love you.'"

"Oh," Nico says stiffly.

"Yeah," says Leo. They lapse into silence.

After a minute of avoiding eye contact, Nico clears his throat. "I should go."

"Okay."

"I'm gonna go get Frank."

"Okay."

"You can... text me. If you want."

"Okay."

"Goodbye."

"Okay."

Nico goes and tears Frank away from his date. The larger man acquiesces, although he seems confused. Nico just hopes that he won't ask.

.

Frank, to his credit, doesn't say a word the whole drive back. _Not_ to his credit, it soon becomes clear that the whole excursion was a collaborative project as they arrive home; they're ambushed by an inquisitive Jason immediately after stepping through the Doors of Death.

"How did it go?" Jason asks.

Frank and Jason are practically on the edge of their seats — save, of course, the fact that they are standing — as Nico clears his throat. "It went well."

"Really?" Jason says, grinning. "That's great! I knew you two would be good together..."

"Yeah, in fact, we agreed to be friends," Nico finishes.

A brief silence follows his words. Jason and Frank blink at him, then at each other. For a minute the only sound is the clock's hands, ticking away against a pentagram-emblazoned face.

Breaking the silence, Frank says, "Excuse me a minute." He walks over to the wall, calmly, and proceeds to bang his forehead against it.

He happens to be right under an Ikea shelf full brimming with precariously balanced kitsch, but Nico decides not to mention that. In fact, he takes mental bets of what might be the first thing to come down. He hopes it's one of Grover's cacti. Dude deserves it after putting him through that painful attempt at matchmaking.

"But I thought..." Jason says haltingly. "You. Friends? Are you sure?"

"Yup," Nico pops the 'p'. "We used the phrase 'no homo' and everything."

 _Thud._ A dog toy falls from the shelf, squeaking as it bounces off Frank's head. Who put a dog toy on the shelf? Why do they even have a dog toy? They don't have a dog.

(...Do they?)

" _Leo_ said no homo?" Jason asks. His _'Well, Percy never_ said _he wouldn't go on a date with you'_ face was making a reappearance after years of hibernation. "Leo's bisexual..."

"Jason, I swear to god, if you're about to tell me he has to say 'no bi' for it to count..."

"Nah," Travis butts in, making the three of them jump. When did he even get there? "Everyone knows saying 'no homo' is actually the homo-est thing, like, ever. What happened? I want details."

"Where did you come from?!"

"The door?" Travis shrugs. "I heard my poor squeaky duck hit the ground. Had to come set it right."

"I'm sorry, what?" says Frank.

Travis picks up the dog toy that Frank displaced, waving it at him. Upon closer inspection it seems that is, in fact, a duck. "I've had this thing for ages, you know. Back when I was twelve I sto— I mean, _bought_ it," he corrects himself with a glance at Jason.

Frank, on the other hand, sighs. "You can say the word 'steal,' Travis. It's not like Nico hasn't done worse."

Jason looks like he doesn't want to ask, but he swallows his trepidation and manages, "...Like what?"

"He stabbed a guy," Frank says flatly. "At the party."

Jason laughs. And laughs. He laughs up until the looks that Frank, Nico, and Travis are giving him make it sink in that no, Frank's not joking. "Wh— How have I not heard about this until now?!"

"I mean, you were busy," Frank explains. "You were trying to keep Leo from committing arson all night. We figured you didn't need to deal with Nico stabbing someone on top of that."

"...You know what, I've changed my mind." Jason turns to Nico and says, with all the sternness he can muster, "You and Leo _cannot_ get together. Under no circumstances are you allowed to date him, is that clear?"

"Thanks for your support, man," Nico says, genuinely.

"Nico wants to date an arsonist?" asks Travis.

"No," Nico and Jason say together, at the same time that Frank says, "Yes."

"That's cool," Travis says, sharing a grin with Frank. "He can be the hellfire to your pitchforks."

" _Jesus Christ_ , Travis," says Jason.

"Hey, inappropriate!" Travis says scoldingly. "We don't use the J-word here."

Jason, baffled, does not respond.

"Remember the demon summoning incident?" Frank asks Travis, who nods. "That was Nico trying to flirt."

"That's adorable," says Travis.

"But since then he's apparently changed his mind," Frank continues, giving Nico a look.

"As has Jason," adds Jason.

"Yes, thanks, Jason."

Travis is grinning at Nico the same way he grinned at Nico's plans to fake a demonic uprising. It is a bad sign. Like, the worst sign. Nico thought Jason meddling was gonna be bad? This is gonna be so, so much worse.

.

The next morning there's something new written on the fridge's whiteboard: _Rule #2 - Don't date arsonists_ , in Jason's handwriting. Someone else, probably Travis, has put a strike through the word 'Don't.'

Nico stares at it thoughtfully as he sips his morning coffee. He normally takes it black, but the mix that Grover gets them from the market is honestly way, way too strong for that. Honestly, he's not sure how it hasn't been _banned_ from sale, because unless you water it down it causes hallucinations.

Grover likes to drink it straight.

Grover should not be in charge of their coffee purchases.

Frank is leaning against the counter nearby, staring miserably into his own mug. He makes a few aborted attempts to drink it, but ultimately pours it down the sink.

"Amen," says Nico, but still he takes another sip of the hallucinatory caffeine.

Frank makes a disgusted face. "How can you stand to drink that?" He shakes his head before Nico can answer. "You know what? It's Saturday. Get your coat, we're going to Canada."

"What?" Nico asks intelligently.

"Canada!" Frank repeats. He grabs his car keys off the counter next to him and goes looking for his shoes. "Are you coming?"

"To _Canada_?"

"That's what I said," Frank confirms.

It is six in the morning on a Saturday. Frank and Nico are, unsurprisingly, the only ones awake yet, but even they are still in their pajamas. Frank isn't bothering to get changed, and he's obviously not leaving Nico time to do so, either. Not to mention, Nico has no idea why they would be going to Canada.

"Hell, why not?" Nico shrugs. He ditches his cup by the sink, and takes the coat that Frank grabs for him from the closet. He doesn't know whose coat it is, but he pulls it on anyway. It's completely and undeniably oversized.

"This had better not be another scheme to get me and Leo together," Nico says belatedly, while Frank is herding him into the car. It occurs to him because he looks so, so far from attractive right now, drowning in what he's pretty sure is Jason's coat with his bedhead and his skeleton pajamas and — since Frank pushed him out the door before he could get his shoes on — his bare feet.

"No." Frank isn't looking much better. He's wearing a too-small leather jacket over a bulldog t-shirt and red sweatpants. "I just wanted an Iced Capp."

"A what?"

"Americans," Frank mutters. "Just wait."

It takes them two hours to drive to the American-Canadian border, and five minutes thereafter to find what Frank is looking for: a Tim Hortons.

Frank gets them both some coffee and donuts and they seat themselves at a table. For all the strangeness of the picture they paint, no one gives them any weird looks.

Just when Nico is thinking _yeah, okay, Canada is kind of nice,_ Frank interrupts with, "So, about Leo."

Nico scowls. "I thought you said this _wasn't_ a matchmaking ploy."

"No, I—" Frank pauses, considering, before he continues, "I just thought this'd be a good time to have a talk about it."

"There's nothing to talk about," Nico says coldly. "There's nothing between me and him."

" _That's_ what there is to talk about," Frank says, gesturing to him with a half-eaten Boston cream. "Why are you so adamant that you don't like him?"

"Because I don't!"

Frank doesn't say anything back. He just meets Nico's eyes silently and waits.

"Because—" Nico swallows, wishing he had gotten an Iced Capp like Frank had, so he could wet his suddenly dry throat. He doesn't even know what an Iced Capp is. "Because it's not going to happen."

"How do you know?" Frank asks, not pointed, just curious.

Nico suppresses a wince. Instead of answering directly, he says, "When we were in high school, Jason tried to help me 'woo' Percy. And—"

He stops, glancing down at his toes, dirty from the muddy ground outside. Across from him, Frank's yellow gumboots wait patiently for him to continue.

"It was kind of a disaster," Nico admits. "You know I'm technically still in the closet?"

Frank seems surprised. "You are? I mean— the way you talked about it with Jason, I just assumed—"

"Yeah," says Nico. "A lot of people assume. I've never actually come out to anyone, but Jason — he kinda found out on his own when, um... forget it." He doesn't really want to tell Frank about that asshole kid who forced his secret out of him in front of his friend. It isn't a good memory and it doesn't make for good conversation, either. "So he started making excuses to leave me alone with Percy. But then Percy thought he was trying to ditch us." Not to mention that Jason's abrupt change of behaviour, coupled with Nico's sudden twitchiness, lead Percy to think that something had happened between the two of them. He'd confronted Jason on it, and... "They got in a fight."

Frank sucks in a breath, wincing. "Ouch. Percy hits hard."

"How do you...? Actually, no, don't tell me. Anyway, someone broke them up and they talked it out. So it's fine now. But..."

"But?"

"For one, it proved to me that playing cupid," he grits his teeth on the word, "always ends badly."

"I mean, I get that, but..." Frank pokes at his second donut with a spare straw. "I _know_ he likes you. And he's hit on you all on his own, without us interfering. And you still say no to him."

"Yeah, well." Nico frowns at the table. "I find it hard to believe that he's not just mocking me."

"What? Why would he do that?"

"Because people are assholes and I'm a creepy weirdo," he answers flatly. "Are we done here?"

"Nico, you shouldn't say things like that about yourself," says Frank. "Like, yeah, you're creepy, and weird, but that doesn't mean people don't love you."

"I'm pretty sure it does," Nico mutters.

"Well, _I_ love you."

"You're dating my sister."

"I mean I love you like a brother."

Nico snorts, but he can feel the corners of his lips twitching up. Frank catches it and smiles back at him.

The chair scrapes against the floor as Frank stands from the table. "Okay, here's the plan: I'm going to get some Tim Bits for the road, and _you_ are going to work up the nerve to ask Leo out. Any questions?"

"Um, just one," says Nico. "What the hell is a Tim Bit?"

.

Frank and Nico get back from Canada just to be barked at.

"What," Nico says as Percy pulls the great dane away from him.

"Er, Percy?" asks Frank. He holds the box of Tim Bits above his head, away from the animal's snout.

"Ha ha, guys, hey! What's up?" Percy says faux-casually. It would be hard enough to fall for it if he _weren't_ currently wrangling a mysterious dog from nowhere.

"We just got back from Canada," Nico informs, ignoring Percy's confused blinking. "And you have a dog."

"Dog? What are you talking about?" Percy asks, trying to push the dog behind him. "There's no dog."

The great dane is far from content to stay behind Percy, however. It's trying to squeeze itself between his legs to greet Frank and Nico, its hindquarters swaying in the manner of any dog who just can't wag its tail hard enough.

"He's cute," Frank says, reaching out to pet it.

"She," Percy corrects, almost reflexively. "I mean — aw, man. Okay. There's a dog."

"Yeah, no shit," says Nico. "Where did it come from?"

"My fencing teacher died," Percy explains. "And like, we weren't _that_ close, but he always brought Mrs. O'Leary to class and — he didn't have any other relatives to look after her and — please don't tell Jason."

"Wait, Mr. Quintus? I heard about that," Frank says thoughtfully. "But, he died, like, a week ago, didn't he?"

Nico stares, unimpressed, as Mrs. O'Leary comes up to him to solicit pets. "Percy, how long has she been here?"

" _Please_ don't tell Jason," is Percy's only answer.

Frank and Nico share a look.

"Jason needs to know," Nico says. "I mean, _everyone_ needs to know. But that includes Jason."

Percy groans. "Okay, but — let me do it? Please?"

"...Okay. I mean, she _is_ pretty cute," Frank says finally, scratching Mrs. O'Leary behind the ears. "If you need anyone to help you convince the guys to keep her, you can count on me. But! No Tim Bits for you. Since you kept it a secret and all."

"What's a Tim Bit?" Percy asks.

"I can't believe you people," mutters Frank. He pulls his feet out of his gumboots and pads into the next room, taking the Tim Bits — and Mrs. O'Leary — with him.

"It's some Canadian thing," Nico tells Percy. "I don't really get the big deal, but Frank insists."

"Uh, speaking of, why were you in Canada again?"

"Frank wanted to get Tim Bits." Nico pauses, thinking about the conversation he and Frank had in the Tim Hortons. It was the kind of talk that could only come about in a name-brand coffee shop just on the other side of the Canadian border, but when he thinks about the things he'd told Frank that he would never have _considered_ telling Percy, his gut twists with something. Regret, maybe. Or guilt. "And... and interrogate me about my crush."

The change in Percy is instant. He perks up, a shocked and inquisitive smile on his face. "You have a crush? That's great, Nico! Honestly, I'd kind of thought you'd, like, given up on living people. Who is she?"

"Actually, it's... it's a boy."

Percy's responding expression is kind of comical, all things considered. He looks like on of those fish from that movie he loves so much, Finding Nemo. "I — I didn't know you were gay, Nico."

"Yeah, well." Nico shrugs, making Jason's coat crinkle around his shoulders. "I haven't really been ready to tell anyone until now."

Percy blinks at him for another surprised moment, and then he's smiling again. "I'm glad you told me, then." He flashes Nico a blinding grin, and for a split second Nico remembers why he fell for him in the first place. "So... who is _he_?"

Nico can't help grinning back. "I'll tell you all about him."

.

With Percy on board, the entire frat is manning the deck of the S.S. Get Nico and Leo Together. Well, sans Jason, who is still stuck on the whole 'we must avoid the terror they would inflict upon the world' thing. Connor — who was brought in by Travis at some point — starts calling him Killjoy-Jason, which catches on with the rest of the group, and is eventually shortened to KillJason. Jason doesn't seem to like it, for some reason.

Unfortunately, Nico soon learns that Percy and the Stolls have really, really bad ideas.

"Leo's a plumber, right?" Percy asks. "Let's break the toilet."

"No offense, Percy, but... no," Grover responds.

"No, trust me, I have a lot of experience with exploding sinks—"

"We're not doing that."

After a moment, Travis begins, "They say the way to steal a man's heart is to steal his stuff..."

"That's definitely not how the saying goes," answers Frank.

"How about pranks?" suggests Connor.

"How about _no thanks_." Nico shakes his head. "You're all terrible."

Facedown on the living room couch, Clovis snores loudly. Everyone frowns, except for Grover, who starts nodding thoughtfully. "That could work..."

Nico shakes his head once more as he pops a Tim Bit in his mouth. The group is congregated in the living room, sharing the Canadian treat as they talk — except for Percy, who is still banned from having them because of the Mrs. O'Leary thing. Said great dane is currently milling around, sniffing everyone and sitting on people's feet for attention.

"Here's an idea," Frank starts. "Hear me out here: what if you _called him and asked him out_?"

"That's crazy talk," says Percy. He pats Mrs. O'Leary as she attempts to climb onto the armchair with him, which Jason has specifically told them not to let her do.

"Actually, that's the one not-awful idea I've heard out of you lot," Jason says from the kitchen, where he's washing dishes and pretending he's not listening in. "You're horrible at this. And Percy, get that dog off the furniture."

"But she thinks she's a lapdog," Percy argues. "And lay off, we're all trying to help Nico find his true love here!"

"I don't care if she thinks she's the Queen of England, she's not allowed on the furniture!" Jason calls.

Percy groans and convinces Mrs. O'Leary to climb down. He watches sadly as she wanders over to Frank, her second favourite person right after Percy, and convinces him to rub her belly. Suddenly, Percy's eyes alight with an idea, and he snaps his fingers. "That's it!"

Grover furrows his eyebrows, following Percy's line of sight. "Nico can... give Leo a belly rub?"

"No, he's talking about what Jason said," says Travis. "He means we have to kidnap the Queen of England."

"She can _order_ Leo to go out with him!" Connor adds, seizing upon the idea.

Travis steeples his fingers together as he leans back in his chair. "It's the perfect crime."

"Uh... no," Percy tells the brothers, gently. "But better!" He holds up his hands in L shapes, as if framing his idea in the air. " _Handcuffs_!"

"Handcuffs," Nico repeats, dumbfounded.

"Handcuffs!" says Percy. "I see it on TV, like, all over the place! You handcuff yourselves together and then the key gets lost somehow and you can't find it again until you've talked everything out. Works every time."

It's a testament to how much Nico is just done by this point that he responds to that with, "Eh, why not?"

A crash sounds from the kitchen.

Everyone looks over to see the scattered remains of one of their plates on the floor, just as Jason steps over it and enters the living room. His hands are still wet with suds from the soap he was using to wash the dishes.

"No. No. Absolutely not," he says. "We are not doing _any_ of these ideas! Except maybe Frank's."

"Franks," Frank says, then quickly shakes his head. "I mean, thanks."

"What, you have a better idea?" Percy challenges.

"Actually, I do." Jason pulls out his wallet and tosses it at Connor, who fumbles to catch it. The other boy stares at it for a moment, before a wide grin spreads across his face.

"Uh, Jason, I thought you said your idea was _better_ ," Percy says, coughing.

Jason winces. "There are some flaws in the plan," he concedes. "But he's gonna bring me back a _receipt_ ," Jason emphasizes strongly, "after he goes to the convenience store and purchases — purchases! — some nice, wholesome romantic comedies. Frank is going to call Hazel and invite her and her friends to a movie night."

"How is that better than the handcuffs?" Percy complains under his breath, but he doesn't argue.

Nico, for once, feels weirdly gratefully that this strange band of frat boy wingmen have his back. The thought crosses his mind that he couldn't ask for better friends.

"You should get Brokeback Mountain," Percy suggests to Connor. Grover chokes, making an odd noise that sounds curiously like a goat bleating.

...Even if they make for sad, sad wingmen indeed.

.

Connor gets back with the movies only minutes before Hazel's group arrives. Nico is pretty certain he engineered it to be that way, as Jason — poor, trusting Jason — hadn't thought to make a back up plan in case of Stoll interference. He sees the error of his ways once he gets a look at the 'wholesome romantic comedies' Connor bought.

"Okay, so we have... Warm Bodies, the Corpse Bride, and..." Jason pulls a face at the sight of the third DVD. "...and Twilight."

"Subtle," says Percy. "Think Leo's gonna pick up on the 'hey, date the goth' vibe?"

"Oh boy," Frank says weakly, summing up the entirety of Nico's college life. Then the doorbell rings.

Nico tries to look natural as Grover lets the girls — and Leo — in, but he's pretty sure the nervous way he's tugging on his earring gives him away.

"Hi," says Annabeth Chase; a quick glance confirms that she's talking to Percy, so Nico doesn't feel bad leaving her unacknowledged. She looks good, like she dressed up a little bit — for her sake, he hopes she isn't dressed up to impress _Percy_. That handsome slob is wearing sweatpants and his _Death!_ frat shirt. Really, Percy has zero sense of style. It's only his naturally good looks and sparkling eyes that have carried him so far in life.

Neither of them, though, have anything on Leo Valdez.

He's wearing a big, oil-stained bomber jacket that looks like it crawled right out of World War Two. His slacks are nothing to remark upon, other than the fact that they are tucked into army boots that, again, wouldn't have looked out of place in the 1940's. Nico swallows.

He wonders, briefly, if Hazel told Leo about his weakness for early twentieth century fashion. He'd have to remember to thank her.

Percy and Annabeth are kind of fumbling around each other like middle schoolers who've been dared to kiss. It's a little painful to watch, honestly. Nico hasn't seen Percy be this embarrassing around a girl since high school, when he thought Rachel Elizabeth Dare had a crush on him — although it turned out that actually she was acting so shy around him because she thought _he_ had a crush on _her_ , and in fact neither of them liked each other as more than friends. And then Rachel vowed celibacy when she joined a fringe religious group that claims its members could become oracles if they allowed themselves to be vessels for long-dead ancient priestesses. Yeah. That happened.

(Nico knows, just by the look in the rest of the guys' eyes, that Percy is now next on the wingman list. And he's pretty sure the girls' expressions bode no peace for Annabeth, either.)

Grover puts in the first DVD and everyone settles in for _The Corpse Bride_. Hazel and Frank have sequestered themselves together, of course, along with Clarisse, who, it turns out, is actually Frank's cousin's-niece's-grandmother's-sister's-daughter, or something like that. On the other couch, Annabeth is in between Percy and Piper, with Jason on the end. Grover and the Stolls sit on the floor, and Clovis is still in the kitchen, snoozing over a bowl of burned popcorn.

This leaves one armchair for Nico and Leo.

"Uh, you take the chair," Leo says. "I can sit on the floor with those guys."

"No, no, you're the guest. You should take it."

"Guys, guys," Percy interrupts, with a tone that's too casual to be casual, "it's a big chair. You are both very small. You can double up no problem!"

Nico's face flushes as he realizes that this is exactly what Percy wanted to happen. Leo and Nico make a couple more attempts each to chivalrously take the floor, but every time Percy manages to make his own argument sound more reasonable. Considering that's coming from Percy "let's blow up a toilet" Jackson, it's a real accomplishment.

So Nico winds up sharing an armchair with Leo freaking Valdez. Their legs are pressed against each other, and there's no real comfortable place to put his left arm without it practically landing in Leo's lap. Leo seems to be having the same problem, as the other boy's arm shifts between every scene until cautiously draping itself over Nico's shoulders. Nico coughs and he pulls it back.

It is, all around, very awkward.

The credits run on _The Corpse Bride_ and immediately, Travis starts clamouring to play _Twilight_ next. Connor backs him up and somehow, they convince the group to concede, if only to get the brothers to stop reciting passages from the book. Nico would question why they have Twilight memorised, if it weren't Travis and Connor Stoll he's talking about. They need no reason for anything.

They're halfway through their reluctant watching of _Twilight_ when Nico fidgets and accidentally leans a bit too far into Leo. He overbalances, almost falling; he only manages to catch himself by bracing a hand against Leo's upper thigh.

" _I'm gonna go get popcorn_ ," Leo says abruptly, startling the whole room as he launches himself out of the chair. He darts into the kitchen, leaving the Nico and the others blinking in his wake.

"What was that about?" asks Piper.

"Nico, go follow him," says Percy.

"What? No! You do it!"

Travis makes a noise of faux offense. "After everything we've done for you."

"Don't be a wuss, kid, just go," says Clarisse. She and Frank share a meaningful look. Nico wonders if she's in on this whole thing. Frank might have told her; she _is_ his cousin's-niece's-grandmother's-sister's-daughter, after all (maybe).

It takes just a bit more nudging to get Nico on his feet and into the kitchen. The boys grin as he goes, while the girls are snickering in a way that tells him that if they weren't in on it before, they've figured it out for themselves by now.

As the others resume watching the movie — although, it's clearly noticeable that they've turned the volume way down, those eavesdropping pricks — Nico finds Leo hunched over, scrubbing his face in the sink.

"Doesn't look much like popcorn to me," Nico hazards.

Leo bolts upwards at his voice, though thankfully he doesn't hit his head on anything. "...Yeah, well," he says after a second, turning so that he faces Nico as he leans back against the counter. "Gotta wash your hands before handling food, you know."

"And your face?" asks Nico. He pretends not to notice Leo's blush as he slides the bowl of burnt popcorn out from under a sleeping Clovis. He stays silent, letting Leo think about what he wants to say as he upends the bowl's contents into the trash.

"I'm sorry," Leo says finally. "I know I... I go too far sometimes. I don't know when to back off. I flirt too much and I make people uncomfortable. I made _you_ uncomfortable. I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry," Nico tells him.

As Leo stews, Nico goes to the cupboard and takes out another bag of popcorn. He's just throwing it in the microwave when Leo speaks up again.

"I always do this," he grumbles, more to himself than to Nico. "I always... always fall for people who—" Here he wavers, looking Nico up and down with what might be longing. "—who I'd never have a chance with."

Nico definitely blushes at that. He'd never considered himself to be 'out of someone's league' — he'd never thought of himself as _in_ someone's league, either. "I never thought anybody would ever fall for a person like me," he admits, holding up a hand when it looks like Leo wants to contradict him. "Let alone... let alone someone I actually liked back."

"You..." Leo stares. "You like me too?"

Nico nods. He doesn't look at Leo, instead keeping his eyes glued to the microwave timer. "You said you were sorry, but _I'm_ the one who should be sorry. About all the mixed signals. I've been pretty shit to you with that. I understand if you don't want—"

"Can I kiss you?"

Nico stops, struck dumb by surprise. Leo is staring at him resolutely, waiting for an answer. Nico licks his lips.

The microwave beeps. The two jump slightly, drawing away from each other.

"Popcorn," Nico finds himself saying instead of 'YES!'

"Popcorn," Leo says as well. He turns and pulls the bag out of the microwave, opening it and tipping it into the bowl. The kernels pour forth, only for them to find that this batch, too, is burnt.

"You know," Nico starts as the two of them stare at the scorched snack food, "we could probably get better popcorn if we went to a real movie theatre."

Leo's eyes dart to him. "Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Like... together?"

"Yeah."

"Yeah," Leo says, and then swallows. "I mean... yeah. That sounds... yeah."

"Yeah," Nico says again, smirking.

Leo's lips quirk up to match Nico's. "Maybe 'yeah' can be our 'always'—"

Nico laughs, reaching out to shove Leo's chest gently. "Shut up."

And then Nico's fingers curl, latching onto the fabric of Leo's bomber jacket right where he'd just shoved him. They lock eyes, and an unsaid 'make me' hangs in the air between them. Nico steps in a little closer, and—

—And Clovis suddenly sits bolt upright, eyes open and alert.

"Are you two dating now?" Clovis asks.

Nico and Leo blink at him, Nico surprised at his awakening, Leo seemingly surprised by his very presence. Nico wonders if they've been introduced. Actually, he wonders if Leo was even aware of his existence.

Nico coughs, successfully bringing Leo back down to earth.

"Uh, yeah," Leo says, dazed. "I mean, yeah?"

"Yeah," Nico confirms. In response, Leo flashes him a grin, and he smiles back.

"Good," Clovis says. Then his head hits the table, fast asleep.

"Uh... Does that guy do that a lot?" Leo asks. "And, also, who is he?"

"Oh, that's just Clovis," says Nico. "He's kinda useless, but he comes in handy when you need a virgin sacrifice, so we keep him around."

Leo laughs at that, and it's still not cute. Not even a little bit. It's so not cute that Nico just has to lean over and give him a quick peck on the lips — he stops laughing quickly after that.

Instead, Leo visibly buzzes while they get started on a third batch of popcorn. That isn't cute, either. It really, really isn't.

(It is.)

.

They return with an edible bowl of popcorn (their fourth attempt) just in time for the opening previews of _Warm Bodies_. Nico pretends not to notice the — how many, ten? Ten expectant pairs of eyes following them back to their seat.

They fit into the armchair much more comfortably this time, the bowl balanced half on Nico's lap, half on Leo's. The others keep glancing at them as the movie rolls, but Nico has more important things to worry about. Like Leo's arm draped over his shoulder, now sure of its place. Or Leo's fingers, drumming a familiar pattern of morse code. Or Leo's eyes darting across the TV screen, over the room at large, over Nico himself, like he just has to notice everything and know everything and remember everything. Nico hopes he remembers everything about this moment, too.

Leo points to a zombie that has just come into frame, and, leaning over to Nico, he whispers, "Is that you?"

Nico tosses a piece of popcorn at him. It lands in Leo's hair and stays there.

"How about that one?"

And then, well, the Death boys live happily ever after. The whole sunshine, flowers, songbirds and rainbows (especially rainbows) shtick, except Nico's involved, so it's more like moonlight, weeds, vultures and rainbows. Add Leo into that equation and, you know what, just imagine all of that, but on fire. They rule the others with an iron fist and sarcasm. Except Hazel; Hazel's cool. Maybe even Frank, too. Oh, and Jason. Possibly Grover and the Stolls, but Percy—

Well, Percy has it hard enough after Clarisse and Piper announce the Percabeth Project, but that's a different story.

So, they don't rule Percy, and the other three girls are too terrifying to terrify into submission. They would rule Clovis, but what are they gonna make him do? _Dream_ about serving them?

So, like, they try to intimidate an incoming freshman one time, but she isn't impressed and also they feel bad about it so they buy her ice cream. Her name is Calypso and she's pretty cool. She turns out to be in Leo's major and the two wind up fast friends; it's not long until Leo starts saying she should be the best woman at his and Nico's wedding.

Nico thinks it's a little too early to be thinking about that, but he doesn't mind. Leo lives on the fast track of life, so it's Nico's job to make sure he slows down sometimes. Nico's pretty good at slowing down (also known as: procrastination).

Besides, the best woman at their wedding is going to be Nico's cousin Reyna. He knows that much for sure.

Or, hell, maybe they can have two best women. At least then he won't have to decide between his seven frat brothers for the best man role.

(The difficulty mainly lies in choosing between Jason and Frank. But he's not going to tell Percy that; the guy would whine about it for _years_.)

Sometimes Nico still worries that he isn't loved and Leo still worries that he loves too much, but between the two of them the problem tends to cancels itself out. It's not perfect, but it doesn't have to be. Nico thinks he could live like this. Leo could propose tomorrow, and Nico wouldn't complain.

He might even think about saying yes.

.

A/N: In case anyone finds themselves wondering, the songs referenced in this fic are: Fuck This Shit I'm Out by the Theme Song, Sex Over the Phone by the Village People, Gay Thoughts by the Growlers, and When Boy Meets Boy by Matt Fishel.

The next ship on my 'to write for' list is Jasico, so keep an eye out!


End file.
